Top 5 Weird Shit About Westerners

Reading time: 12 minutes

Below is a list will prod and poke you, a list that will make a sense of pride and nationalism come forth from the deepest pit of your subconscious as you clutch at your passport, reach out for your countries flag and dunk your hair into a tub of matching dye. ‘Top 5 Weird Sh*t About Westerners’, will list things that the Chinese people consider being strange and unusual about us westerners.

5. Hands Down Pants.

No, I don’t think this means putting your hands in your trouser/pants pockets because that would be mental, and if they were saying that was weird, I’d bloody well dish them out a serving of sour chickpeas and slappsies, ruddy savages! Though of course, they’re not. This actually means when a tracksuit sporting pubescent, hankers for his genitals to keep his hands warm… or pins down his everlasting virgin erection.

“Why do guys have their hands down their trousers? When we were walking along the street we thought they were sex rapists”.

I see the connection, after all, a horny hair-gelled male with a hood concealing his identity is in public holding his tic-tac and coin purse. I’d also consider him to be a rapist, or worse, a sex rapist! Though it’s true, as much as it saddens me that the Chinese can call us out for an act of public shamefulness, I have to agree that it is undesirable. A ‘youths’ hands are a clammy petri dish full of anal germs, wiggy yoghurt, and pocket lint; so next time you’re in Greggs getting your change, remember, that change has just passed through hands more diverse in bacteria than those of a man who digs through your trash looking for his comfort material. Come to think of it, maybe this is why Chavs fist bump instead of shake hands? Youthful and hygienic, love it!

Why do they do it?

The truth is, I don’t really know, but think about it, they’re either going to grasp tightly on their nuggets or stab someone, those are the options they have. I for one certainly don’t want a stabbing, so if you’re an undesirable youth as mentioned here, by all means, keep playing hacky sack, who am I kidding, they can’t read! Fu*king knuckle-dragging cock goblins! I’m sure that this would also make the list for some of you, and particularly our grandparents, and even great-grandparents for those of you born to teenage mums, which, come on, is everyone born after 2005’ish. Personally, I blame the pop music.

4. Zombies.

This is brilliant. Not the image, because then I’d be taking the piss out of amputees… oh what, so now she’s dead she doesn’t get covered by political correctness? I’m fu*king lost! Let me begin by saying that although I respect the voters and their nominations, I couldn’t help but reserve a place on this list for this one. By that I mean, only one person mentioned this, but it’s worth taking a slot for! You’d assume that zombies would be universal in regards to appearance, movement, and how they came to be, but you’d be wrong. Firstly, let’s remind ourselves what zombies are, or according to Rick Grimes and his group of ASBOS, ‘Walkers’. Zombies are fleshy automatons, which after turning dead immediately have torn and dark-toned clothes on, regardless of what they were wearing before. If I was a zombie, I would be seen sporting a neatly ironed t-shirt and jeans, I most certainly wouldn’t have ripped clothes and mud-stained knees that look like I’ve been blowing off ‘closet gays’ like some sort of crackhead behind Toys”R”Us.

The Chinese Zombie.

The Chinese zombie uses the method of hopping as opposed to our western dead who just walk sloppily. Of all the scary ‘add-ons’ to give a monster, hopping and leaping is not one of them, I’m not talking about leaping like Spider-Man, I’m talking about what’s essentially hopscotch, and that’s a little girls game. Chinese zombies are truly something for the imagination; the best way to keep them at bay is with sticky rice and stickers… they’re scared of sticky rice and stickers! Imagine that, you’re sat in your kitchen sticking down your fresh pack of football stickers in your Panini mag, and a zombie walks in; you fluster about by waving your arms above your head, and in all the commotion, Ronaldo has gone flying across the room and stuck on some dead c*nts head, he’s flipping out bloody terrified, and your fu*king fuming because Ronaldo’s been wasted!

In China, zombies aren’t of their own free will either, no, they’re controlled by ‘Masters’, which are kind’a like ‘fortune teller type people’. The zombies sleep in a cavern and only come out at night… it’s as if someone watched Twilight and The Walking Dead on the same night and got their fu*king wires crossed when explaining the shows.

Oh yeah, but err, our zombies are weird.

3. Common Courtesy.

We, westerners, are almightily courteous to one another, so much so in fact, that it was one of the most common ‘weird’ things that were brought up by the Chinese people involved in this survey. No, that isn’t sarcasm, I can see how that totally real picture may have caused confusion, but rather it’s a clue as to what the Chinese think of our courtesy, goodness me, there I was thinking you could solve that on your own, it means, “shut it with your manners you slaaag!” The most common questions were:

“Why do westerners ask permission when ordering food?”

“Why do westerners say thank you when getting off the bus if you’ve already paid?”

Hey, come on, calm down, before you start shouting at your screen, “you take that back!”, let me expand a little first, starting with ‘asking for permission when ordering food’. Firstly, allow me to illustrate how the Chinese will generally order food, “I want this. I want this. I want this.” We westerners, on the other hand, say, “can I have this?”, therefore, as the Chinese say, “ask permission” when in Chinese logic, we should be telling.

Why do we ask permission?

Personally, because I see myself not as a better to someone else, but because we are of equal standing. I ask because it is polite, yes, I gave her money for said items, but between you and me… (whispering loudly from behind my hand) she doesn’t actually stand to receive that money, shhh! I’m thanking her for the service, you know, her smileless face, dead eyes, un-ironed shirt and trollop makeup, you know the type, ‘pour in a ton of creams and powders into a sink and then dunk your face in it… manners cost nothing. But today isn’t about me defending us westerners, it’s about expressing the views of the Chinese people, allowing them to take the heat off me!

In China, clicking your fingers at the waitress and saying “I want this”, isn’t rude, it’s just the Chinese way. Maybe we westerners are overly concerned with others, ‘Sharing and Caring’? Maybe it should be ‘Clicking and Picking’.

Just try this, I’m going to give you some homework. The next time you go to a restaurant and you order your food, say, “I want this”, as opposed to “can I have this” and try not to say thank you throughout the entire service. See how you feel. I understand that meanings in language differ, but this isn’t about language, this is about how we treat others.

Let’s expand on “Why do westerners say thank you when getting off the bus if you’ve already paid?”

As you can imagine then, saying ‘xiexie’ when leaving the bus in China doesn’t happen, I mean, I wouldn’t thank the c*nt either for the terrible driving, but this isn’t about China, this is about us in the west and why we say thank you to the man (or woman, I’m not sexist), who has carefully driven us from A to B.

The logic behind this question is pretty much the same as before, “why should I thank someone if I’ve already paid them?”, and again, I don’t think money serves the purpose nor qualifies for ‘thanks’, I don’t work for praise, I work for pay, your praise is added to show your appreciation for the work that has been done.

You pay for a service and you thank for a service… they’re two separate things!

“Here’s 20quid for wanking me off, and thank you kindly for doing so” I mean, if we thank prostitutes ~~and choir boys~~, cant we thank bus drivers?!

And oh yeah, it’s weird that we thank people ‘n’ that.

2. Specific.

Personally, this is my number 1, but it fell short of that position just by a little. I can’t promise I can stay neutral on this as it drives me twitchy-eyed insane! “Why do westerners need everything to be so exact? Because otherwise, nothing means anything anymore!

“You wanted blue, right?” said the man whom I had paid to provide me with a service.

“Yeah,” I said because I had indeed requested the colour blue.

“Here.” He offered, as he carelessly gave me my product with a swing of his wrist.

“…This is green.”

“Same thing.” The man replied, looking at me like what he said was a normal sentence.

“Yes. I see. I see how they’re basically the same. I suppose that essentially eliminates the very preference of choice… and colour.”

That was a real conversation I once had when printing business cards for me and my wife’s business. I sent away this ~~professional~~ man on two separate occasions for printing the wrong colour, now I’m not talking about being overtly particular on ‘shades’ and ‘hues’, I’m talking about entirely different colours to what I had requested. ‘Blue ain’t green’, and if it were, gardening would be a serious trip. To cut a long story short, we printed them ourselves because the printing company thought that ‘we’ were to ‘picky’ and refused to do business with us. Again, I know I’m forever denying to be a particular professional in whatever field I’m talking about, but I’m no printing expert, but I do know that if my file is coming out green when in fact it should be blue, then that would suggest your printer heads either need cleaning or you’re out of ink. The fu*king paper clip wizard on Microsoft 98 told you that!

Speaking of such, let me tell you about when we hired some ~~professional~~ people to install a new shop sign above our door. After installing the sign, I said, “hang on, it isn’t straight, I can’t have a wonky sign!”

“It’s fine. You’re so picky” remarked the installers, brushing off my claim of shoddy work.

“You didn’t spend enough money for us to care,” said the owner of the sign installing company.

Yes, that really did happen. In fact, not only did they install the massive seventeen character sign at an angle, they damaged the backboards in the process; meaning instead of having a brand spanking new sign, crisp and free of defects, I now had a sign that wasn’t straight and was damaged, but then again, maybe I was just being ‘picky’.

To illustrate my point even further, ~~my wife~~ a woman I know says she’s 29 years of age, even though she’s actually 28, she says that because “why does it need to be exact?”

What does that mean! How is it any more hassle or effort for you to pick the correct number than it is to pick a number that isn’t your age? If you tell someone you’re 29 and then for some reason they turn to me and say, “so your wife is 29”, I’m going to say, “no, she’s 28” which will make her look like a strange… liar, who lied the wrong way; it’s younger you say, not older! But remember, she’s not saying she’s 29 to be older, she’s saying 29 because it’s “similar” and “doesn’t need to be exact”.

To unwillingly delve into that logic a little deeper, surely it requires far more effort to say a false number than to say the real number. If someone asks you how old you are, “how old are you?” Naturally, your actual age will come to mind first, so to say a number that isn’t your age, you add one on to your actual age. So, you’ll need to think of your age…and then add one, as opposed to just thinking of your age. So, using the correct information which is accurate, easier and less hassle… is being ‘specific’.

To recite a once frustrating conversation with said woman:

“So, with that logic, 10 and 11 are the same thing? Interchangeable?” I once questioned, prodding ~~my wife~~ this beautiful woman to expand more into this unique outlook.

“Yeah, they’re so close. They’re basically the same.”

“Would you rather have 10million pounds or 11million?”

“Either, they’re basically the same.”

“…You’re doing this on purpose.”

Let’s apply this logic to real life situations, and see how they plan out:

“How many tablets should I take doctor, these seem quite strong?”
“5 or 6… same thing”

“Can I have two sugars please”
“Here. Milk and three sugars… same thing”

“Mum, we’re having twins!”
*gives birth*
“You said twins, yet there’s one baby!”
“…mum…. same thing.”

“Excuse me, I ordered the beef. This is chicken.”
“Sir. It’s basically the same thing.”

Same thing, same thing, same fu*king thing! Except it’s not, it’s really not. The ability to be able to differentiate between two things is so basic in human understanding, that to remove this, would be like going back to a primitive state where we hit each other with clubs for sexing each other’s partners… but wait, your wife my wife, same thing! We have evolved thus far and throughout human history, we have fought one another for freedom of choice and rights, but apparently, we should all just ‘make do’ and have no preferences what so ever!

In China, ‘similar’ really is considered acceptable as an alternative and that logic applies to many, if not all scenarios. It’ll leave you baffled and at the same time, looking immensely picky and choosey.

We, westerners, are far too specific.

1. Cold Water.

“Why do westerners drink cold water?” Yeah westerners, what the fu*k are youse playing at? Drinking cold water, you bloody mental cases! Yes, the fact we drink cold water really did seem to be the most popular and frequently asked question when asking ‘what’s the strangest thing about westerners?’ The Chinese believe, or shall I say, put two and two together, and say that drinking cold water is bad for the body. The reasoning seems to slightly differ from person to person, meaning it’s… opinion, but whatever. Why is it apparently bad?

“It’s bad, but especially bad for women on their periods because when bleeding it will not be smooth.”

“Drinking cold water is known to cause discomfort in the body.”

“It can freeze the blood.”

“For the blood to run smoothly, it needs to be warm, and drinking cold water stops that from happening.”

Conclusion.

The blood does seem to be consistent in their reasoning, and again, if I haven’t made myself clear already, I am not a doctor, but If I were to sit in a bath of 37degrees temperature, the same as our bodies, and then pour in a teacup worth of cold water… you can see where I’m going with this… but again, hands up, I’m not a doctor.

What have we learned?

Well, stop wanking in public for starters, and by that, I mean ‘get your hands from out beneath your pants’. Secondly, boycott the Walking Dead until we see some real zombies swinging their arms beside their bodies to jump a metre at a time. Thirdly, stop thanking people, they most probably deserve it, yes, but, come on… the Chinese are ridiculing us and you’re embarrassing me. Fourthly, stop being so bloody exact, settle for whatever a server gives you, in fact, apply the logic of ‘soup of the day’ to all walks of life, “I’ll have whatever you recommend“. And lastly, stop being so bloody weird and drinking cold water, it’ll freeze your blood don’t ya know!